If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
you had me at cake vodka
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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