You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Randomize
