Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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