Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
