My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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