Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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