Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
