Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize