Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
