I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
