I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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