Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
