Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
