i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
