I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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