What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
