yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
