I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Randomize
