maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
