the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
