I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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