How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize