your parents love me but you hate me
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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