I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
