Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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