I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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