I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
