I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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