You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
