I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
