You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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