I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
