Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
