We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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