a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
