I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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