I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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