Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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