shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Are we still banned from the library?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
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