i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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