Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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