Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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