I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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