I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
