Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Randomize
