I wanna passion pit in your ass
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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