This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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