he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
