I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
