Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
