he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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