bring money and cleavage
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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