im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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