omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
