what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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