I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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