I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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