i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
