Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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