and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
