everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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