Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
